INTERPERSONAL INTELLIGENCE
The capacity to connect and understanding every living being
Human relations have become really tough. We are overworked, bombarded by information and constantly interrupted, yet genuine connection needs time, energy and attention. Today, that is a luxury.
“Interpersonal Intelligence is how we connect with and understand others: being present with them, letting them be seen and heard, and respecting their boundaries and our own. For me, it is not limited to people. It includes our relationships with animals, and even with plants: with any entity characterised by life.”
Why Interpersonal Intelligence matters today.
We are more connected than ever, yet predominantly lonely. Not because we lack connections, but because we have fewer and fewer deep, self-revealing conversations.
Communication has become transactional.
“Hi, how are you?” is rarely a real question any more. Often it is simply an opening for “by the way, I need something from you”.
We speak in shortcuts.
To save time, we have developed a language that serves neither self-expression nor our understanding of another person.
Dedicated time is a luxury.
Genuine connection requires uninterrupted, dedicated time. But those who really want to make something of their lives work much harder than previous generations, and have little time left to sit down and really converse.
The phone is always present.
Even when it is silent, a phone keeps you from engaging with all your presence and energy. With it on the table, you take all your connections with you.
Three dimensions of Interpersonal Intelligence
Presence: listening between and beyond words
Presence means giving another person your full attention and wanting to read them. Without it, emotional intimacy cannot develop; it needs uninterrupted time. Presence also means not contaminating an interaction with the moods of whatever happened before it. Even thirty seconds of acknowledging someone as a human person benefits you both.
Being seen: feeling heard and understood
In a meaningful conversation, we articulate our inner world, make meaning of our experience and feel understood, even when the other person does not agree. Self-articulation is one of the major needs of the human psyche. When someone hears and understands us, we feel connected and that counters loneliness.
Boundaries: knowing your own, respecting others’
As human beings, each of us has psychological autonomy, and through it we come to understand our boundaries. Knowing them, we relate to people in a healthier way. We may even refuse a relationship that hampers our development, harms our wellbeing or is dangerous. That is our right. Many people do not even know they are allowed to have boundaries. Knowing that others have boundaries too, and asking when you are unsure, protects them.
Signs that Interpersonal Intelligence is underdeveloped
“Everything is okay.” You ask how someone is, accept that answer and take it no further. Gradually, you lose interest in the other person’s life.
You interact and transact, even with those closest to you. When you are tired, you do not wish to read the people you love; you simply exchange what is needed.
Your family has stopped talking. Unless someone is wise enough to put the phones on the shelf over supper, families stop interacting.
Your therapist is the only person you talk to deeply. That says nothing good about the civilisation we inhabit.
You are running a life marathon, rather than living life.
Something is missing, but you cannot pinpoint what. If real connection is rare, or happened long ago, you may not recognise its absence.
You do not know you are allowed to have boundaries, or where other people’s lie.
Many things change when you develop Interpersonal Intelligence.
You feel less lonely. Human connection is one of our great needs. When someone hears and understands you, even without agreeing, it is intimate, warm and soothing.
Your health benefits. Connection is linked with longevity, and with physical and mental health. Even thirty seconds of truly acknowledging someone is mindful, peaceful and good for your brain.
You come to know yourself. In conversation, you hear yourself express an idea and realise you have thought this way for years. You put the events of your life into a story; that is how we construct our biography in our own minds.
You understand people more deeply. For me, this is the most important change: you learn your own inner world and that of others, and come to understand the human psyche, and even the human condition as a common experience.
You live life, rather than run a life marathon.
Interpersonal Intelligence is connected to all the intelligences, but its closest partner is Self Intelligence, and the influence runs both ways. Relating to others feels hard not because it is hard in itself, but because we come to it unprepared in Self Intelligence. Had we been trained in Self Intelligence from early childhood, our Interpersonal Intelligence would be far more advanced. And Self Intelligence, in turn, can only develop in dialogue with others.
How we work together:
In coaching, I have no agenda of my own. I listen, I observe, and I give you the experience of being seen, being heard and being present. Most clients have not lost the capacity for connection; they have lost the time and space for it.